As much as I liked the coconut ice cream, there are a few drawbacks. The next morning, my shit is pitch black. When I flush my toilet, it begins to make a high pitched shrieking sound. Great. I also do a load of laundry and then hang my clothes up to dry. As the washing machine runs, water leaks all over the floor. Now I know why the washing machine is on cement while the rest of the living room has hard wood floors. There must be a drain somewhere because the water eventually dissipates.
At 10, Josie picks me up to take me to the bank to set up my bank account. This takes hours. I never loved my middle name (Henderson) but the Chinese can't stand it. It's a very difficult name for them and they make me include it on all documents. Also, the Chinese put their names in reverse order, so everyone keeps writing my name as Smith Riley Henderson. No one can read my writing, in China they the horizontal line through the full vertical line in 4's, so they think my 4's are H's. I also have to change my signature to writing my name in block letters, so it is legible. While signing my name, I get some ink on my hand. Despite taking two showers and washing my hands multiple times since than, I like the ink off my hand, thinking it is coconut ice cream.
Finally, I get my bank card and head home to set up my wi-fi. The wi-fi guy had waited at a door for an hour because the bank took much longer than anyone expected, and had gone home for a lunch. He is going to be back in ten minutes, so I stop in the liquor store to get a snack. I end up buying two different fried fish things from over the counter and a bag of squid flavored lays. It is all inedible.
The wifi guy sets up my wifi, but as soon as he leaves it goes down again. Meanwhile, Josie has arrived at my apartment to give me some cooking utensils. She gives me a dirty rice cooker, a dirty coffee percolator, a dirty electric tea kettle, a dirty knife, a dirty knife holder, and a dirty water dispenser for jugs of water.
I used to think it was annoying when my parents helped me move and told me how to do things, but now I realize it's even more annoying when someone helps you move and tells you how to do things when they are not your parents. Josie saw my clothes hanging on from the ceiling and began to laugh.
"Is this how you hang your clothes to dry in America?"
"I didn't hang my clothes to dry in America, I used a dryer."
Josie take my folded pants, turns them inside out, slides the top through one of the belt loops, and rehangs them.
"Do it like this, they will dry much faster."
"Whatever, you're not my mom!" I scream (inside of my head).
Josie finally leaves and I call the WiFi guy who comes back. It takes him another hour to set up the wifi and by the time he is done, I have to go to work.
Pencil, pen, eraser, ruler, pencil case, backpack. You know the drill.
After work, I am starving, and walk around looking for a place to eat. As I'm walking, I notice a little 24 hour sex vending machine which I am instantly very taken with. How genius! It totally removes the embarrassment of purchasing sex items. There are condoms, lubes, and dildos for both men and women. I thing about purchasing a male dildo, but decide against it because it's expensive and seems like a weird thing to own. I do think there is an unfair double standard in the dildo industry though. Women are supported through, even encourage to buy dildos, whereas any man who owns a dildo is a pervert. That seems unfair to me. I know there are bigger issues, but I think men should be encouraged to own dildos too.
After being to scared to eat at a number of Chinese restaurants without pictures on the menu, I end up stopping at a fast food fried chicken place. I ordered a Mexican chicken twister and a dragon chicken twister. The Mexican chicken twister had fried chicken, lettuce, cheese, and some spicy mayo wrapped in a tortilla. The dragon twister was exactly the same, but instead of cheese and spicy mayo, it had celery and hoison sauce. They were both fine.
On my walk back, I stopped and got a strawberry milk tea which I was hopping would taste like a strawberry milk shake but tasted more like a strawberry yogurt shake. I also bought a pack of cigarettes.
When I get home, instead of blogging, I end up smoking cigarettes while watching Dave Chappelle's new Netflix special. A few people had told me it was too offensive and that I should skip it, but I thought it was pretty point and that he did a good job framing his offensive jokes so I wasn't triggered. I then watched Bill Burr's special, which I thought was much more offensive and much less funny. But I guess a white man being misogynistic is less scary than a black man defending Michael Jackson and making trans jokes. And, also, less people watch Bill Burr than Dave Chappelle. But both guys are obviously kidding around and saying offensive things for laughs, not because they think they are true. Whatever.
Then I watch a few episodes of iZombie, my favorite bad tv show that just had its last season released on netflix. A zombie who works in a police station morgue helps a detective solve crimes by eating the victims brains, allowing her to have visions from the victims past but also forcing her to take on the victims personality takes. It is very dumb, but constantly entertaining and incredibly tongue in cheek. I chain smoked throughout all these shows. I'm supposed to be quit, I'm very ashamed of myself. But I have caved. None of this is what I expected it to be at all.
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