I slept horribly again last night. This morning, when I tried to wake up, I think I experienced sleep paralysis. I couldn't move or really wake up, I just sort of was stuck lying there. I may also have dreamed I had sleep paralysis though. It's hard to tell. All my dreams were a blur, but I do know that my dreams are in America.
Before going to work, I tried to quickly clean my whole apartment. I know the chances that Sakey is going to come back to my place after the date are low, but I wanted to be safe just in case. We do seem to have astonishingly good sexual chemistry, so maybe she will be into it.
As I ride Benji to work, he runs out of juice. Luckily, he also has pedals but they don't work as well as the pedals on a real bike. I think it's maybe because the bike is so heavy. It takes a lot of physical effort to make the bike move very slowly.
When I get to work, I am already exhausted. Today seems like it's going to be another rough one. Josie tells me that I should be able to transfer money to America over the phone and call the bank to set up a transfer of 10,000 RMB to myself. The transfer goes through before I have given any of my American information and I get very confused. Apparently, I accidentally transferred 10,000 RMB from my Chinese account to my Chinese account and the bank also put a year lock on it so I won't be able to touch those funds for a year. I quickly begin to freak out. Laura tries to get me to come teach my next class but I say I want to call the bank again. Josie makes me go keep teaching and promises that we will figure it out when we go to town after go-karting on Monday. This doesn't really come me down, but I don't have much of a choice other than to accept it.
In Monica's class, Tony kicks me. I know I should be able to handle getting kicked when I'm down, but I'm not. The anger runs throw my blood. I send Tony out of the room and am livid. I'm still internally freaking out about the money and I really don't like being kicked. This kid obviously has ADHD, but that doesn't really seem to be a thinghere in China.
To get my money home, Josie wants me to transfer her 10,000 RMB and then she will transfer this money to my American bank account. I am not at all comfortable with this and I tell her so. I don't trust these people. Josie tells me it's fine and I can trust her, but I just don't. I've been screwed over to many times.
I message a few friends of mine from America on Instagram during my break. Anyone who has read my blog says the same thing, "Take care of yourself." Is it that horrible? I knew my experience was a little depressing, but it's not that bad is it? I think maybe people don't realize how miserable I was in day to day life at home too. Sure, this is shit, but life is always kind of shit, right? I don't know anymore.
I move my interview from Monday to Tuesday in Shanghai. Thank god this works without a hitch. While freaking out about money, I tell Sakey and the others that I can't go go-karting on Monday and have to fix my finances instead. No one seems surprised or disappointed.
I ask the school for my tax forms so I can try to send money home through the bank. The school doesn't have my tax paperwork on hand but I assures me that they can figure it out by monday so I can send my money home on Monday.
I get another email from my mother. She asks how I am feeling again. I fucking hate this. I am so tired of telling everyone I feel awful. Can't everyone just understand I am miserable and leave me alone? Me telling you I am miserable and sick doesn't make me feel better. It just makes me more aware I am miserable and sick.
I quickly pedal Benji back home so I can charge him before my date tonight. Then I walk back to work. It's a long cold walk.
For lunch, I order from a new place and it is fucking terrible.
This tastes like Panda Express, but with more grease and way more bones. This is almost more upsetting then home cooked rice with oyster sauce and pears, but not quite. Atleast I only ate it once.
At work, Teacher Monica keeps telling me to be happy. I don't think she knows how happiness works. You can't just tell a person to be happy and they suddenly light up. Happiness is a mysterious beast, no one knows how to truly attain it. We all just walk around miserable all the time and hope for a few moments that trick us into forgetting how sad we really are.
After work, I look for Sakey, but she is nowhere to be seen. I guess she left without me. I start to head back to my apartment. About halfway there, I get a text from Sakey asking where I am. I quickly rush back and apologise. I tell her I looked for her and couldn't find her and though she headed home. She says she was in the bathroom. Is there another bathroom? I checked the bathroom. She was probably just making out with Cindy somewhere anyway, there is no way Sakey is really into me. But it doesn't matter. Sakey says there is a good restaurant by the mall which is a close walk so we head on over.
On the walk over, Sakey teaches me how to say "You are beautiful" in Chinese (I have already forgotten.) She then tells me that she is shy so that I shouldn't say it to her. Still, she taught me though, so that means she wants me to say it to her, right? She's in to me. She's gotta be into me.
The hot pot restaurant is in the mall. The food is fine, but nothing special. All hot pot sort of tastes the same. At this point, all I really want is sourdough toast. Man, I miss sourdough. And BEANS! I miss beans. but the hot pot is fine. During the meal, Sakey is on her phone a lot. Not a great sign. We also happen to be seated at a table next to one of Sakey's friends, so she continues to talk in Chinese to her friend through out the meal. I try to talk to her and loosen her up, but she doesn't really get any of my jokes. The meal is mostly me asking her questions about herself (she's a cancer, which means we should have great sexual compatibility but the relationship won't last.) I don't remember most of it, she's kind of boring and seemingly uninterested. But maybe that's just her being shy. I try to get her to teach me a little Chinese (Mo Gu is mushroom) and that peps her up a little bit, but it's still not a very good date.
After dinner, Sakey invites me to go play badminton with her and I can't say know because she is so damn cute. She sends me home to change into some better sporting outfits, but I don't really own any sports clothes. I end up putting on some pajama pants and some hiking boots I bought with Nancy, hoping that these would be breezy/active enough. I don't think this outfit did me any dating favors.
When I get out to the court, Sakey has to go change in the locker room so she has me warm up with another guy who is really good a badminton. When she comes out, she plays badminton with some young hot guy as I continue to play badminton with this old guy who is kicking my ass. Finally, after about fifteen minutes, Sakey sends the guy away and comes to play some badminton with me. Our report is good. Sakey teaches me how to say net in Chinese (I already forget) and I make some jokes that finally land. I am still too goofy for her though, and my outfit isn't doing me any favors. She soon invites the hot guy and one of his friends from earlier to play doubles with us and has the hot guy on her team. I think Sakey fucking likes this other guy, why would she want to date a strange whitey who doesn't speak Chinese? Of course she doesn't, this is all a trick. After Sakey and the hot guy kick our butts, Sakey tells me to go take a break while she plays with the hot guy some more.
Man, fuck all this. This isn't a date at all. I liked this girl. I've liked her for a while and the school has convinced her to go on a fake date with me. This is all bullshit. I watch Sakey play badminton with the hot guy. Sakey is so cute. Badminton is a good look for her.
After a while, Sakey invites me to play with her and we play a little more. I tell her she is beautiful on the court in English, and she says it's embarrassing. I tell her no one else understands me, but I can still tell, it didn't work as a move. I don't think it's embarrassing because she can't handle being told she's beautiful, I think it's embarrassing because I so obviously like her and she doesn't feel the same about me. This is something I should be used to by know, but girls not falling for me always hurts.
The hot guy from earlier walks out on to the court in just his underwear and starts flexing. Sakey tells me how funny this guy is, but I don't really get the joke. It just seems like he is ruining my date for me.
Sakey asks me what my Chinese name is and I tell her I don't have one yet. I tell her I like mushrooms so she can call me Mo Gu, but she says that is a dumb name. I like it though. Mo gu. Mushroom. It seems right to me.
Some drunk guy comes out and starts yelling at me. I try to shrug it off, but don't really know what is going on. Sakey tells me he is funny and not to worry about it. Sakey seems to think everyone is funny but me.
After the game, Sakey and I walk outside and order our taxis. I try to talk to Sakey more, but she instantly starts playing on her phone again. There is no way this girl is into me. I don't know how I thought I ever had a chance with her. I get in my cab, go home, and go to bed.
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