The 8th Happiest Place on Earth

Last night I had another crazy fucking dream. I was in a town called Fresno, but it wasn't actually the real Fresno, it seemed more like a different version of Los Vegas meets New York but everyone who lived there was old and Jewish. I was cruising in some old fancy car with a bunch of old Jewish people in the middle of the day, but the streets are still brightly lit up. Giant billboards for buddy cop movies I've never heard of before (and for some reason "As Good As It Gets") look down on us from every direction.

Then, (dream logic) I am walking in the park and I meet some girl who just got out of a show she was in. We head to some pitch black dance club where there is some crazy orgy going on in the middle of the dance floor and I look in the corner and see my mother playing cards with some of her old lady friends (I'm not calling my mother an old lady, but most of her friends are old ladies.) The girl I'm with instantly takes off her shirt, climbs on my lap and starts grinding. My mother and her friends come over and start throwing ones on us.

I get out of there as quickly as I can and I am soon walking in the park again, but it's night now. In the park there are coffins, porta-potties, vending machines that are actually all small theaters with audiences of one (In the dream, they were called theaters but I think they were all for prostitution.) I find a local bar and meet some rich people who, after a few drinks, invite me back to their mansion to watch them have a foursome. I agree and walk outside to find them all getting inside of very very tiny cars that drive incredibly fast. I climb in one with one of the old guys, knees clung to my chest, and we drive through Fresno and an incredible speed, zipping under other cars and trucks. When I get to the house, it's another crazy haunted mansion ride, where I have no control of my body and go through different scary rooms and see different scary monsters.

If anyone is able to determine what all of my crazy dreams mean, I would really appreciate it. I don't think it can be good.

I wake up in the middle of the night and I have to pee but I also have an erection. I don't want to turn the lights on because I want to be able to fall back asleep quickly, so I end up missing a little bit.

I wake up around the next day and I'm a little excited. I was debating between Beijing and Shanghai, and online it seems like Beijing was the better city in every aspect. There was more to do, it's farther away so it will be harder to visit later. Every website ranked Beijing as the best city in China. But I picked Shanghai for one reason and only one reason. I really missed home, I needed something that would cheer me up, and Shanghai Disneyland seemed like just the thing.

I'm not one of those Disneyland guys. I don't collect pins and I don't have an annual pass. But I do love going every once and a while. I've loved theme parks since I was a little kid. Magic Mountain used to be my favorite because I liked the scary rides, but as I've grown older Disneyland has become my favorite because it's the cleanest. Everything at Disneyland is so intentional, there is never a single thing out of place. I was hoping capturing a bit of that "happiest place on earth" feeling would help me through these trying times.

So I quickly brushed my teeth, put on some sunscreen, and grabbed my sack Continental breakfast as I head out the door. The breakfast includes a bowl of that rice grits thing, some cherry tomatoes, corn, some jujubes, a croissant, yogurt, two buns (one chicken, one shrimp and chive), a hard boiled egg, and a bag of what I thought was milk but turned out to also be yogurt. It was all disgusting, but I ate most of it anyway. I wanted to have energy for my big day.

As I walk up to the park, it starts raining. Am I being punished for something?

The line walkers in China are some of the most aggressive I have ever seen. People are constantly trying to cut me in line as we wait to get into the park. One woman tries to hop a bit of the line, but it takes her so long to climb over the rail she ends up further behind in line than when she started. Everyone in China is shorter than me too, so umbrella height is my head height. I'm getting hit in the face a lot.

The weird guy from the scooter shop starts messaging me again to say Happy National Chinese day. I guess I should just be grateful for some attention, but why does it have to be from this weird older balding guy? What does he want from me? I'm worried he is gonna proposition me for sex. I guess it's not a big deal, I can just say no, but it still all seems weird.

Train Station (but no train)

The park is set up for Halloween, but Halloween is not a holiday in China so this just means there are some pumpkins set up and they are playing Disney's Halloween songs non-stop on main street, which is unfortunate. I head over to the locker area and rent a locker for my backpack for the day. My door number was 1719, I know because I wrote it in my notes so I wouldn't forget.

World's Largest Cinderella Castle

When I was looking at the website before the park opened, it said both the seven dwarves mine train ride and the roaring rapids ride would be closed today, but now that I am in the park they are both open, which is a huge relief. I really wanted to ride anything so I wouldn't feel like I had to come back because I missed something.

Just like home!

I started in Adventure Isle, which is basically like the Indiana Jones/Tarzan/Jungle Cruise area of Disneyland, but only has rides from California Adventure. I rushed through to quickly get to my first ride of the day, Soaring Over the Horizon.

I forgot to keep taking picture like this immediately after this ride

The line for soaring over the horizon was basically these indoor temple ruins that had a fake night sky and some pots lying around. I thought it was pretty lame, but I heard some kids saying "wow" while looking at the pots so at least it was impressing someone. When you are waiting in line in an enclosed room like this, you immediately are reminded of Chinese B.O. It's really unfortunate I have to keep bringing it up but it was even more unfortunate I had to keep smelling it. Whoever learns to break deodorant into the Chinese market is going to be a billionaire, because there definitely is a need for it.

Next to me in line was a grown woman wearing an all white dress and holding a giant teddy bear. It was both disgusting and slightly arousing. I pulled out my phone and started playing with my Chinese dating app again. I finally matched with a pretty hot girl, but when I read her profile it said that she was transgender. I like to think of myself as progressive, but when I talk myself out of a possible date because I'm scared of a little peen, I remember I'm still a straight white male and, therefore, the problem. It's tough being a part of society that is hated by everyone but is also treated better than anyone and can generally get whatever they want. It makes you feel simultaneously feel guilty and stupid for not utilizing it better and ending up in China.

At the entrance of the ride, instead of Patrick Warburton as a pilot, there is some mythical woman who turns into a frog and than a hummingbird. This makes the kids laugh pretty hard. Then the doors open and we enter the ride. There are only three cars on this "Soaring," so now it makes sense why the line was moving so slow. I give the kid to the right of me, but he gives me no reaction. His dad tells him to hold to the handle bars, but I shake my head and hold my hands up in the air. At least that gets a smile.

The ride is basically just that new Soaring Over the World they have at California with a few differences. There was a great wall of china section (that might be at soaring over the world to but I didn't remember it) and at the end of the ride you fly over Shanghai instead of flying over Disneyland. Also, rather than having different scents they spray, this ride just sprayed perfume the whole time. It was definitely not as good, but Soaring Over the World makes me sad too. I used to love that Soaring Over California and everything else just seems to pale in comparison. During the ride, I put my arms in the air a few times, but I got no reactions or copy cats. Everyone else just held on tight.

I think Pirates was huge here.

I still have 20 minutes until my Fastpass for Roaring Rapids kicks in, so I run over to Treasure Cove to check out the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, which currently has no wait. The area is built to look like a little Isle of Tortuga, which is pretty cute. At this point, it has started to rain pretty hard so I decide to drop the cash and buy myself a little poncho. I'm already sick, I know its over priced, but if I'm gonna be here all day, I can't be soaked.

The ride starts with skeletons of some of the original pirates from the original pirates ride. You even see four pirate skeletons in jail, holding their hands out to get a key from a dog skeleton. Lightening strikes one skeleton who suddenly turns into Captain Jack Sparrow, who starts speaking in Chinese. The boat turns around, you start heading backwards as there is a little water tunnel thing, and then the boat turns back around and now you are at the bottom of the ocean. The ride has these giant screens that completely surround the room and you are in an epic underwater scene with skeleton pirates raiding some sunken ships and giant shark and fish swim by and the Kraken is awoken. The boat continues to go around at the bottom of the Ocean as you see more sunken ships, more of those fish people like Stellan Skarsguard, (Bootstrap Bill?) that Hammer head shark guy, and even Davy Jones. Davy Jones calls for the ships to rise back to the surface and all of a sudden the ships, and your boat, start to rise from the depths of the sea and you emerge in the middle of an epic ship battle with Captain Jack Sparrow. You sail under two boats as they fire cannons at one another, and then the boat turns around again and you head backward inside one of the ships. Captain Jack and Davy Jones have a pretty lame CGI sword fight that ends with some gun powder getting lit and you are shot, backwards, out of the ship. Captain Jack then sings "Yo Ho" in Chinese and the ride is over. It was some of the most impressive use of screens in a ride I have ever seen and was incredibly enjoyable. I highly recommend it.

Water Rides in The Rain

My fast pass is now ready so I rush back over to Roaring Rapids and get into the fast pass line. This one family keeps trying to push ahead of me in line, but I stand my ground. Of course, we then end up on the same boat. Once we were all on the ride it didn't matter though, we were all screaming about not wanting to get wet and laughing at whoever had to go down each little drop backwards. I love raft rides, less for the rides themselves and more for the forced social dynamic that occurs every time you get on one. Its like Russian Roulette without the murder. The ride is basically the Big Sur Rapids ride at California Adventure, but the jungle aesthetic is slightly cooler than the aesthetic they have back home. There is also one portion of the ride where you go in a cave and there is a big dragon, which is cool too.

I really have to pee after the ride so I rush over to the bathroom. A cute girl is having her photo taken and I think looks at me when I walk by because I here her say, "Sorry, I saw a handsome boy." I pee as fast as I can, but when I come back out she is gone.

I head over to Fantasy Land next. Peter Pan, which has a FastPass option and normally a very long line, only has a 10 minute wait. It seemed like basically the same ride as the one at Disneyland, only the miniature of London seemed smaller. I thought that was the whole reason everyone like that ride, why make that part smaller. They also added a section where you fly over and around Hooks ship as he fight Peter, and that was kind of cool, but I wanted to fly over London for longer. I was a little disappointed.

Feeling Pekish?

I had read online the best food at Disneyland was the Peking Duck Pizza in Pinnochio's Tavern, which was right next to Peter Pan. I was pretty hungry so I stopped in and got one. It was fine, it mostly tasted like barbecue sauce, but it was decently sized and gave me the energy I needed to keep going.

My next FastPass was in Tomorowland so I headed over and decided to kill a little time on the Buzz Lightyear shoot Zorg a bunch of times ride. As far as I could tell, this was exactly the same as the ride at Disneyland. I got a score of 910,000. To reach the highest rank, you need to get over 999,000. There was a part of me that wanted to do the ride again to get a high score and I had more time to kill, but there was a bigger part of me that thought the ride was stupid so I moved on.

Even though I had a FastPass, the wait time for Tron had gone down to ten minutes so I decided I would try that next. The ride is basically Space Mountain, but the cars are built so you have to crouch in a motorcycle position that's slightly uncomfortable. The ride is faster and starts a little bit outside, but the ride is also much shorter and doesn't have as cool music or visuals in the mountain.

Fucking Sweet Dude

I had to use my Tron FastPass if I wanted to book another one and it didn't start for another ten minutes, so I decided to do the spiny JetPack Ride to kill some more time. While waiting in line, an attendant came up to me and told me car 7. They then roped off the entrance to the ride but I saw car 7 was empty so I snuck under the rope and hoped into car 7. All of a sudden, everyone waiting in line starting screaming. An attendant walked up to them. listened, and then came up to me.

"What car were you told to get in?"

"7"

He walked away, talked to the line again, and then came back to me.

"You'll have to wait."

They unlocked my seat and I had to get back in line with all these angry assholes who glared at me. The let the ride go with an empty car 7. I then got back on the ride, but now was sitting next to one of the guys who had told on me. He was still glaring at me. As the ride starts, it begins to rain very hard and water drops start pelting me in the face. The guy next to me keeps his thumb on the button the whole time so the jet pack stays up and we can't make it bounce. The water from the rain begins to pool in my seat so my butt is now soaked.

I use my FastPass to go on Tron again. I ask to wait to sit in the front this time, and it is totally worth it. Being in the front car and feeling the wind hit your face makes this ride a lot better. I'm still annoyed by the seats though, lying on the front of the motorcycle sort of hurts my chest.

Toy Story Land

I needed a drink. I looked online to find where they serve alcohol in the park, but they don't. So instead I went to Toy Story Land. Although most of the rides here were for little kids, I found the design very appealing. I really loved Toy Story as a kid and feeling like I was inside of it made me happy. I know it's lame, but just let me have this, okay? Even the bathrooms in Toy Story Land were call.

Toy Story Land Bathrooms

I went on the least childish looking ride there, Rex's Racer. It was basically a giant dragon swing, but instead of a boat you are in RC. This was a solid ride. When you would get to the top of either side, before going back down, you would get that butterfly in the tummy feeling which always makes me giggle. I came off the ride very happy. Also, even though the safety guide was in Chinese at first, Kristen Schall did the English version afterwards as her triceratops character. I bet she got a good chunk of change for doing that.

I had basically done the whole park at this point, and even though it was raining incredibly hard at this point and I was freezing and my pants were soaked, I had paid good money to come to this park, so I was going to stay god dammit! I walked over and went through the Alice and Wonderland Maze. I had read a decent review of it online, but it's exactly what you would expect it to be. A very small hedge maze where it is impossible to get lost and a few Alice and Wonderland figurines thrown in here and there.

You are one fucking cool dude, Riley

Not knowing what else to do, I headed back to Treasure Cove and went on Pirates of the Caribbean again. It was still cool, but the impressiveness had slightly worn off. You can only see something for the first time once. After the ride, I bought a sweater in the pirates gift shop because I was freezing. It was a bejeweled skull and crossbones sweater in a medium, the largest size they had. It was way too small for me, but at least it was long sleeves. I then went and walked around on the ship play areas they have in treasure cove. Some guy and his girlfriend squirted me with a cannon when I wasn't paying attention and then laughed really hard. I laughed too and tried to squirt them back but they were paying attention so they could dodge the cannons. It was funny they pranked me so good, but it was also sad I was alone.

Roaring Rapids Mountian from across Treasure Cove Lake

I read online that the best snack at Shanghai Disneyland was the Minnie Frosted Chocolate Doughnut, but the Snackin' Kraken was closed. I went back to Main street and went into the Ratatouille themed cafe, hoping I could get a hot coffee. They, sadly, did not have coffee but they did have Minnie Frosted Chocolate Doughnuts so I bought one. It was awful and I felt instant heartburn.

Now desperate for a coffee, I left the park and headed into Downtown Disney and got a giant Starbucks coffee. I then wandered through the nearby shops, hoping to find affordable dry pants or socks or shoes, but everything was crazy expensive. I did find affordable sweaters that actually fit me, but I felt stupid spending money again after I had already bought this crappy bejeweled skull and crossbones. I wandered into a swatch store, I don't even really know why, and one of the workers started following me to make sure I didn't steal anything. I left very quickly.

In Downtown Disney, they don't have regular toilets, just the squat over the hole in the floor toilets. I thought if there was one place in China that would have nice toilets, it would be Disneyland. But they make you shit on the floor here too. I have also noticed (I apologize) that the odor of my shits has begun to change. They now smell like Chinese shits. I thought my American shits were bad, but these are far worse.

My phone was starting to die, so I headed back into the park and charged my phone in my locked. I also put my wallet inside. Earlier in the day, I had tried to go on the Challenge Trail (similar to the Brother Bear area of California Adventure but with an actual rope course) but they told me I could not have my phone on me. When I got back now, the course was closed due to the rain.

So I went and saw the Captain Jack Spectacular Stunt Show. This was a slightly horrifying experience. Everything was in Chinese so I had no idea what as going on. First we were forced to watch a preshow before we were let into the actual theater. The biggest laugh came from one of the pirates asking people in the audience to raise there hands for some reason or other and then yelling at the people who didn't raise there hands (always a good joke). There was also a little chubby sissy boy who liked the government instead of the pirates. He got pants so we could see his union jack underwear while he got spanked. The audience liked that one too. After about 20 minutes of this, we were finally let into the theater. The plot of the show seemed to be they were doing a show about Captain Jack and then the real Captain Jack (who is also Chinese) breaks into the theater to hide from the government. The soldiers then shoot cannons at the stage and there are a bunch of really slow poorly choreographed fight scenes. I think the whole reason this show is somewhat well reviewed is the finally, when a tornado hits the stage and captain jack and the admiral have a fist fight in one of those wind tunnel things so they are constantly flying through the air. That was kind of cool but it was for 90 seconds at the end of a 45 minute shows. Jack supposedly dies in the end, but then he walks in from the back of the audience. The guy sitting in front of me was playing games on his phone, which Captain Jack came and looked at and then gave him the thumbs up. I thought that was kind of funny but no one else laughed. They laughed much more at Captain Jack sexualizing the women in the audience. I don't remember Captain Jack being such a horny misogynist, but then again I don't remember the Pirates of the Caribbean movies at all really.

Afterwards I tried to go on Roaring Rapids again but it was closed due to the rain now. It seemed that all the outdoor rides involving boats were now closed. So I headed back to Toy Story Land on Rex Racer again so I could giggle at my tummy rumblings. Then I went on Tron again. It had been raining so hard and so much rain had been tracked inside that the women in front of me in line slipped and fell on her bottom. Her, her daughter, and I all laughed very hard at this. On the ride this time, I realized I should keep my arms straight like I was on a real motorcycle instead of lying down on top of the car. This made the ride much more enjoyable. As we were leaving, the woman who fell told me they had been on the ride four times and they were about to go on it again. I said I had only done it three so far. She asked if I was going to go on the ride again and I said not right now but maybe later.

My FastPass for Winnie the Pooh was ready so I headed over to Fantasy Land. I don't necessarily remember the Disneyland version that well, but as far as I could tell this was basically exactly the same. You go through the Huffalump area and they play the Huffalump song. There was a part of this part where you follow Tiger and her bounces and your car sort of bounces too. I don't remember this part of the Disneyland ride but that doesn't mean it's not there. Anyway, it's cute but it's a kids ride. It was fine.

Because they were right there and I still had a little time to kill before my next FastPass, I did the pots of honey, which are basically the tea cups. I spun my pot as fast as possibly could, but switched the direction I was spinning every thirty seconds so I wouldn't get dizzy. I don't know if that's actually supposed to do anything but it worked okay.

I took another quick pee and then headed to use my FastPass on the 7 dwarves mine ride. This ride has had the longest line all day, but now, due to the rain, it seems to be pretty short. The ride is basically a carbon copy of Big Thunder Mountain but they sing Hi Ho in the middle when you go into the cave part. The rain sort of hurt when it pelted you in the face, but over all it was a decent ride. It's Big Thunder.

I then when to the big castle because I hadn't been yet. Inside, they played a bunch of videos of snow white and Cinderella and things like that. It was pretty boring and all in Chinese so I snuck out towards the end. At the exit, they hand gorgeous murals for the modern Disney Princesses. I know they are drawings, but a lot of these Princesses were very cute. I think I just would really like to date someone, I'm so lonely. I've never been attracted to the Disney Princesses before.

I went to sneak a peak at the storybook boat river ride, but that was closed too. At this point, I notice that my poncho is starting to completely fall apart. I am really wet. I assume that's what is making me pee so much, I haven't drunk much water. Whatever it is, I pee again and head back to Toy Story Land. At this point, I'm just killing time to see the fireworks and then head home.

The slinky spinner is one of those rides that spins in a circle really fast and if you go on it with a friend you end up squishing each other. I went on it by myself so I just ended up having all the water slide under my butt. In line for the ride, they gave me a little plastic bone to hold onto which they took away once I was seated in the car. This seemed like a huge waste of time and energy. When the safety portion was said in English, Ham was doing the voice.

Then I went on Rex Racer two more times. When I went on it the second time, the attendants started giving me weird looks. I was completely alone on the ride both times. I would have rode it a third time, but I was embarrassed. This might be my favorite ride in the park, I like giggling when I get those butterflies in my belly. I rode both in the front and the back, the back is the best place to sit on this ride.

Then I did Tron again. While my poncho was in storage, it got completely torn in half, which was a huge bummer. Now I was basically just holding a plastic sheet over my head. I peed again, and then rode Tron three more times. Each time I would exit, I would run through the giant Tron Chevrolet ad at the end of the ride that has a bunch of stupid little video games for kids (I did design one tron bike but I couldn't figure out how to get them to email it to me) and then run back to the entrance of the ride. I got really good at posing for the photo taken on the ride, but of course I didn't pay for one. On my final ride, I was suddenly given a fixed poncho. I may have been given someone else's poncho and maybe they were going to be given my ripped in half poncho, but I didn't stick around to find out. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. But when life gives you lemonade, you fucking drink it.

I peed again and then headed over to watch the fireworks. About ten minutes into the show, I realized there weren't going to be any fireworks. They were doing some sort of world of color thing like at California Adventure but on a much smaller scale. They were basically just projecting scenes from Disney movies on the front of the castle. So I snuck off and decided to make one last round of the park.

I walked through a little zodiac mural area that shows a Disney character for each zodiac sign. Most of it is fairly obvious, pig is ham, monkey is abu, dragon is mushu etc. I'm a sheep so I checked to see what character that was, it was some three singing sheep from some old Disney cartoon I have never seen. Man, I wanted a cool character.

A Sunken Ship

I did pirates again. Then I did the Seven Dwarfs Mine Ride again. Then I did Rex Racer again (the staff still recognized me and laughed/gave me weird looks.) As I was leaving that ride, the triceratops at the exit talked to me and scared the shit out of me. This hadn't happened any of the other times I had been on the ride so I wasn't ready for it. I then went on Tron one last time.

Spicy Noodle something and Beer

In Downtown Disney, I stopped at a restaurant I had read about called Crystal Jade that was somewhat moderately priced and well reviewed. I got some spicy noodle thing, a beer and some truffle dumpling thing. It was all very good, but I saw the Chef recommendations right after I ordered and felt stupid for not getting those. If I come back with Taylor when he comes and visits me, I will order correctly.

On the subway ride home, the water from my pants and shoes begins to drip all over the floor and pool in the corner of the car.

The walk from my subway to the hotel is horrible. It is now pouring rain, incredibly windy and absolutely freezing. I think about stopping and getting another beer at Stone Brewery, but decide me need for warmth is stronger than my need to get drunk.

I take a hot shower as soon as I get back. My fingers are prunes. My feet are prunes but are also a pale purple color. My thighs hurt from going on Tron nine times. But I did it. I'm sort of happy in a real surface level sort of way. I theme parked. I rode everything I wanted to ride. It rained but I stuck it out. Life could be worse.

I was planning on blogging when I got back, but now I'm just too tired. I notice the hotel has provided a Chinese translation of one of the books from the Steven King Dark Tower series, which seems very strange, but I don't have much time to think about it. I crawl into bed and fall asleep instantly.