Shanghide

Even though I went to bed around 10:30 the night before, I slept in until about 10:30. I got the full 12 hours. I don't know if this is because I was sick or exhausted, but I didn't question it. I took the sleep I needed.

I decided to start my day slower today. No need to rush. I had done most of the things I wanted to do, take it easy. I did my mourning routine, which I had been skipping the last few days (this means I wrote in my journal, took a hot shower and brushed my teeth, did some yoga, and meditated.) That felt nice. I sometimes hate my morning routine because it feels to time consuming, but I almost always feel better when I actually do it (I want to add breakfast and coffee to my routine as well, but I don't know how to make breakfast in China and I can't find any coffee filters anywhere even though I have a coffee machine. Breakfast in America (ba da da da, ba da da da) for me was usually toast and olive oil, but there are not toasters or bread here.)

Rock or Building?

Having recently slept with some one had expressed anti-muslim sentiment multiple times, I decided to head down to the Shanghai Muslim Market which occurs every Friday afternoon. (I forgot to mention, Esther asked me if I had any Muslim friends and I said yes, which she scowled at. I am glad she didn't ask me to prove it because I don't know if I could. I don't usually ask people about their religion and trying to guess seems problematic. I probably at least have Muslim mutual acquaintances.) It was again packed. Rather then waiting in the long lines, I went to all the short ones so I could get my food fast. On retrospect, I probably should have waited in the long lines because that was the best food, but who cares? I still enjoyed most of what I ate. I started with two giant skewers of lamb, which were insanely good. I then got two different kinds of Muslim dumplings, which were also delicious.

Mouth, Meet Meat

As I was about to finish my last dumpling, a homeless man with only one leg came up to me and asked for my dumpling. Not wanting to just give it away, I tried to take one last bite, and the meaty contents spilled out of the back and fell onto the street. I offered the homeless man the empty skin sack of my dumpling, but he politely shook his head.

I felt very guilty about this so decided to do one more round and buy him some food. I went to another stand an bought some naan, which I than began to ate because it looked good and I forgot I was going to give it to the homeless man. After a few bites, I remember my initial well-intended reasons for buying the naan, put it back in my bag, and began to walk back towards the one legged homeless man. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around. A man was pushing around an incredibly deformed man in a wheel chair and they had a large sign explaining, I assume, there need for money. The able bodied man took my bag of naan from me before I knew what was happening and began to feed it to his friend. This made me angry, I had bought that bread for the one legged homeless man not these guys and they hadn't even asked for it, but I couldn't steal my bread back from this deformed guy. I also wasn't about to go buy more bread, so I hung my head and guiltily snuck away, avoiding looking in the direction of where the mono-legged homeless man had watched me ruin my perfectly good last dumpling earlier.

I couldn't really think of anything else I wanted to do and I was still tired, so I headed back to my hotel for a nap. As I walked over, I listened to a gratitude meditation, which really had the opposite effect on me. In the meditation, the man and the woman talked about what they were grateful for and how remembering to be grateful really improved one's health and overall happiness. Not only did the two of them say "Ahhhh that's brilliant" or "Ohhhhh so true, so true" constantly after everything either one of them said (just so annoying), but all of the things they listed that everyone should be grateful for seemed completely unattainable to me. They were thankful for their health (I have a cold,) their cars (my car was hit by a firetruck,) their houses (I'm in an apartment in China,) their friends (I have no friends in China,) and their spouses (my girlfriend fucking dumped me.) I don't want to be ungrateful, I want to be very very grateful, but I also want to be honest. I'm currently not grateful. Maybe if I meditate or write more or make friends, I can find reasons to be grateful again. It's starting to hit me that I might be dealing with some form of depression. Whether this is biological, situation induced, or a combination of the two, I don't know. I have tried to see therapists a few times in America, but they always tell me that nothing is wrong with me. I doubt I could find an English speaking therapist here even if I wanted to. Or maybe I just listened to a shitty meditation and I'm just going through a rough patch. I've accepted I'm a bit of a grump, grumps don't have to try and practice gratitude.

I get back to my hotel and nap for another two hours.

When I wake up, I decide what I want, what I really really want, is a milkshake. So I google best milkshakes in Shanghai and find a very well reviewed place that makes spiked milkshakes pretty close by. I walked to a near by bus stop, ran to catch the bus, paused my music on to bus when I saw two white people talking but started playing it again when I realized it was German, and then walked another two blocks to get my spiked pineapple banana milkshake. When I ordered it, the bartender asked if I wanted it to go. I said sure, but was originally planning on sitting at the bar to drink it. I think maybe the bartender didn't want a lonely single guy drinking at the front of the restaurant and I didn't want to make his job harder for him. The milkshake was incredible.

I walked another fifteen minutes to an area called the french concession, which seemed to be the trendy over priced part of Shanghai. There were a few well reviewed bar/dance clubs in the area, but they all were closed. So I decided to head back towards my hotel.

On the way back, I saw another of the ice cream shots that was recommended on the milkshake blog, so I stopped again. This place also had spiked milkshakes so I got a bourbon and banana. This milkshake was also incredible. I wished I was incredible too. Ice cream can always cheer you up a little bit, but it can only do so much.

I found a fancy looking food court with lots of options so stopped in for dinner. I almost went to a place to get shark fin soup, but chickened out for what I wish were ethical reasons but were really being scared of food reasons and got two tacos and a shot of tequila from a Mexican restaurant. It was fine, but I miss LA Mexican food. While eating, I played with Tantan again and matched with a girl named Lisa, who told me to meet here in central Nanjing so I hoped on a Subway and headed over.

It should hardly surprise anyone who has been reading this blog to realize I was starting to run low on funds. I had denied myself no extravagance. When I checked my WeChat, I was down to my last 1,500 yuan (a little over two hundred dollars.) I decided if I kept myself to only spending 500 yuan the rest of the night, I should be able to get back and have plenty of money for my next week in Gaochun before my paycheck.

I met Lisa in front of a McDonalds. She was almost 15 minutes late and, although very attractive, looked quite different from her profile picture. Not thinking much of it, we headed to a nearby bar of her recommendation. I ordered a gin and tonic that was incredibly strong, she ordered a very small shot called a B-52. As we drank, she told me how she was only in Shanghai for a week and was staying in her sister's apartment while she was there. She then asked if I wanted to play dice, to which I said sure. She went and talked to the bartender, and then came back with six more shots and a cup of dice. As we played, her behavior got increasingly strange. She one almost every round of dice, meaning I had to take the majority of the shots. She also kept changing the rules of the game and made me drink when she dranked because it was "rude for a woman to take a shot alone." She asked me when I had last had sex, but refused to answer herself even though I had just answered two days ago because "women don't discuss these things." She then ordered four more shots.

"How much do these shots cost?" I asked. "I don't know if I can afford all of this."

Lisa reached over the table and tweaked both my nipples. She then asked if I wanted to do karaoke and I said sure. We got the check. It was over 1,000 yuan. I wanted to make a stink, but I was hammered at this point and didn't want to seem rude or cheap, so I just paid. As we left the bar and walked towards the karaoke studio, I confessed I was almost out of money and showed her my WeChat. She said she would pay for the drinks if I paid for the room, which I agreed to.

As soon as we got to the karaoke studio, Lisa left the room to go to the bathroom. When she came back, she said she had got a call from her friend who was staying with her at her sister and she had to go let her friend in. She went and talked to the owner of the karaoke bar and we left without having to spend more money. As we started to walk back, she said bye to me.

"I can go with you to let your friend in, I don't mind."

"No," she said, "it's embarssing to be seen with a white man I just met. We don't do these sorts of things in China."

"Okay, well message me after you let her in if you want to meet up again?"

"Okay."

I got back on the subway and headed back to my motel. Despite being hammered, I stopped at Stone Brewery for one last beer because I felt sorry for myself. I messaged Lisa to check in, but she never responded. I also message Esther to see if she wanted to hang out again, but she said she was too tired and was about to go to bed. So I drank alone. For the first time since coming to Stone Brewery, I saw another man drinking by himself. I guess due to the right amount of liquid courage and desperation for a friend, I walked up to his table and talked to him.

"Are you waiting for anyone?"

"Actually, I am."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I don't want to intrude. I was just drinking alone and saw you drinking alone and thought maybe you could use a friend too."

"No, it's fine, sit on down. She should be here soon."

"Oh I really don't want to intrude on your date."

"It's not a date, she's just a friend. Please, sit down."

So I sat down. His name was James and he was also a English teacher, but he worked in Shanghai. He listened to my sob story about being stuck in Gaochun and told me he had heard similar stories before and not to worry. His friend, Katie, showed up soon after. She was a teacher who worked at the same school and pretty soon the two of them started complaining about their boss and their co-workers. I was so jealous! What I would give to have people to complain about my boss and co-workers with. We soon got another round and continued to drink. Both James and Katie seemed very fun. James was Australian, Katie was Scottish. They both liked to drink, liked to complain, and had senses of humor, which was pretty much all I could ask for. They told me they were headed for another bar and asked if I wanted to join them. I said sure.

The rest of the night is a bit of a blur. We went to another bar, but I have no idea where it was or what it was called. I do know it was the best bar I haven been to by far since coming to Shanghai. The DJ was playing Funkadelic and Curtis Mayfield, so I danced like I haven't danced in quite some time. (I'm a fairly decent dancer, I think everyone was sort of shocked when I started dancing.) I remember some Russian guys tried to make fun of me and sort of pick a fight, but I don't really remember how it ended. I just remember my feelings got hurt, but I think I was funnier so I won. I remember going pee and thinking my urine looked like apple juice. I remember Katie brought a Chinese friend whose name I can't remember and who barely spoke English. I remember they asked me to buy everyone around of drinks and I complained about having been recently Shanghaied in Shanghai, but they guilted me into it by getting me to admit that this was the most fun I have had in China so far. And I remember sitting outside on the balcony and just talking and laughing a lot. I know James feel asleep in the bar and Katie, her friend and I left without him. The subways were closed, it was probably about 5 in the morning, so we walked and shouted "Good Morning" to the people we passed in Chinese though I don't remember how to say "Good Morning" in Chinese. I thought it was rude, but the girls thought it was very funny and most of the Chinese people smiled and said "Good Morning" back. I remember the subway lines reopening and I remember drunkenly taking the subway back towards my hotel at 6 in the morning. I don't remember walking back to my hotel room, but I'm pretty sure that was how I ended my night. As I said, it was all a blur.