I don't wake up until 10 a.m. I slept 14 hours last night. I think my body needed sleep so badly, it just forgot how uncomfortable my entire living situation is for one day.
My mother sends me a message asking how I am feeling. She asks me this a lot and I really hate this question. I'm sick as a dog and I just have to keep telling her every time I'm still sick and then she says oh I'm sorry that sounds terrible. I don't want to be reminded of how bad my health is. I know she loves me and is just worried about me (and I hate that I have to worry that she may read this at it may hurt her feelings,) but it feels like she pities me and that just makes me feel worse.
I can't blame her for pitying me though. I'm so sick/depressed I can't even get out of bed. I watch Little Monsters on Hulu, which is absolutely terrible. It's easy to fall in love with that Lupita Nyongo, but its just a very poorly written zombie comedy that I couldn't recommend to anyone. I did cry when Lupita Nyongo plays Taylor Swift on ukulele though. I'm very emotional and sensitive these days and find myself crying very easily.
For lunch, I make some more rice with oyster sauce and pepper. This time, to change things up, I also saute some pears and throw them into the mix. They don't really affect the flavor much, but at least it's slightly different. I know the one pear I had the other day seemed bad, but these pears today seemed okay. Plus, I sauteed them, and that gets rid of the bad stuff, right?
Then I crawl back into bed and play video games on my Switch. I've beaten most of my video games, I don't really have new ones to play, so I just play games I've played before on harder difficulties in an attempt to forget I exist. That seems to be my intent with a lot of things. Whether I am creating and consuming art, whether I'm dancing or doing drugs, I often measure my success on how aware of myself I was in the process. And the less aware of myself I was, the better I feel about the event. I just want to forget I exist because whatever I am experiencing is so powerful. Whether it's euphoria or just feeling numb, stopping the endless succession of thoughts within my head is a temptation often hard to ignore.
I get another message from my mother. She tells me she thinks I should come back home. This makes me so sad and also so angry. Why didn't she tell me to go to Bali when I asked before then? Doesn't she know she is too late? I can't go home now, if I go home I am giving up. I lose. I failed. If I went to Bali, I would have stuck it up to the man. I would have defended my honor. It would have been cool. But if I leave now, I am a coward. I stayed just to give up a week later. I would get the worst of both worlds. I have to try to make my life better, no matter how awful my life seems right now.
I'm still hungry so I make more rice.
I end up continuing to feel sorry for myself and start watching Schitt's Creek. It seems very blah, which I guess is exactly what I looking for. I don't want to think or feel anything, so this show is very easy to watch. I don't really like it though (even though I love Eugene and Catherine.)
That night I also run out of drinking water. I only have one more day until I get paid and I can boil some tap water with some ginger and brown sugar to make some tea, but running out of regular drinking water in a country where you can't drink the tap is very scary.
Just keep your head down, buddy. You have to be through the worst of this. Just one more day.