ESTHER

WARNING: The following blog contains graphic descriptions of sexual acts involving me. If you are related to me, please don't read. I'm serious. Mom, Dad, just skip this one. You will still know what's going on when you read the next one. If you read this, you definitely will regret it. And if you ever bring up anything from this post to me, I will kill myself.

I ordered the strongest beer in the bar and began to troll the wonderful Tommy Fleming's Instagram DMs (Tommy is my writing partner.) He had recently asked on his Instagram story if his new mustache made him look like James Gordon, so I sent him a picture of James Corbin so he would know how he will always look to me.

Tommy Fleming, Junior Year

I also started playing with my Tantan again and pretty instantly matched with an 18 year old named Esther. She asked what I was doing and I told her I was drinking at a bar by my hotel and she asked for the nearest subway and headed over. She was far, so while I waited I continued to send Tommy sad of me spouting of god knows what. A waiter came by and asked if I wanted another beer. Not knowing how to say no, I said yes and had a second very strong beer. By the time Esther texted me saying she was near the subway, I was only half way finished with my second drink. I've never been one to waste alcohol, so I quickly downed the rest and headed to the subway station to meet Esther.

When I met Esther, I found her to be more attractive than her profile picture. In my experience, this is a rarity in dating apps so I was happily surprised (Mitchell was also hotter than her dating app pictures. Mitchell was so fucking hot. Is, I guess, is so fucking hot. She's not dead.) As we walked back to the bar, Esther told me about the horrible evening she had just had. Apparently she was coming from another Tantan date where her and a friend had met with a cute guy and one of his friends. Her friend and the cute guy had gone off to have sex with each other, leaving Esther to supposedly have sex with the cute guy's friend. The cute guy's friend was Muslim and Esther is scared of Muslims, so needless to say, nothing happened. I told her Muslims were cool, which she found pretty funny. She asked "are you a Christian?" and I told her "no, I'm not religious." She was a little disappointed by this answer, but not enough to walk out on the date.

Esther had not had anything to drink yet, so I ordered two of the second strongest beers at the bar for her first and my third beverage. Esther admitted that she had been worried I would be too drunk to meet her. I was definitely a little drunk but I can handle three beers, even if they are strong.

Esther asked how old I was and I told her I was 27. She acted surprised, saying she thought she was younger. She then told me she was 18. I told her I knew and she acted surprised again.

"Most guys say they didn't know I was 18 when I show up. Even though its on my profile, they say they didn't know I was 18."

"Oh, I... I knew you were 18."

I know maybe going on dates with 18 years olds isn't the best, but I'm alone in China and we matched. Beggars can't be choosers. I don't know, judge me if you want. I'm only human.

To be perfectly honest, a lot of the evening was a little happy. I wasn't able to keep copious notes because it seemed rude. I hadn't eaten a lot that day and the beers were pretty strong. I do remember she continued to give me a hard time about not being christian. I found out she was an English teacher and that she was from Burma, which was why her English was so much better than all of the Chinese English teacher's English at my school. Esther had a lot to say about the Chinese.

"Do not go on dates with Chinese girls on Tantan. They are scams. They will take all of your money. A lot of guys tell me they have been scammed from dates."

I'm never a fan of racism, but I was looking past a lot of things tonight.

I also remember she asked about what kind of pornography I watched. I admitted I use a blog called Damp lips (thank you for the suggestion, Paul Stanko.) I asked her what porn she watched and she said there was a porn star that was very popular in her country called Priya Rai. I admitted I was familiar with her work. Esther started to go on and on about how great and wonderful her breasts were. I asked if Esther had ever been with a woman and she said "no, have you ever been with a man?" I said "No" and she said, "See? Same thing." I don't know if it's really the same thing but I wasn't going to argue with her.

We finished our drinks and headed back to my hotel room. (Mom, Dad, if you are still reading at this point, please stop. I swear to god. Just do something else.) Esther instantly climbed onto my bed and told me that she didn't think we should have sex tonight. (I've heard this one before.) We began to make out and pretty soon I took of her shirt and began to fondle her breasts (boobies, tits, etc.) She took of my shirt and was absolutely delighted with my pink nipples and the fact that I had some, but not too much, body hair. I'm pretty sure I'm the first white man she had seen shirtless in real life.

She then unzipped my pants and pulled out my very hard penis (dick, cock,etc.) which she began to rub with her hands. Not wanting to seem selfish, I removed her pants and began to play with extraordinarily wet pussy (vagina, who-ha, etc.) We were having a pretty good time. Pretty quickly, Esther scooted down and inserted my still hard cock inside of her mouth, which she began to kiss, lick and suck upon.

I'm not saying I dislike blowjobs, but I never really know what to do with myself during them. I usually try to finger the girl or play with her tits, but I don't know if this really does anything for them. I love the act of 69, but I think a lot of women think its too busy. I multiple times tried to get Esther to sit on my face while she blew me, but I could never get her to do it.

After having my dick sucked for a decent amount of time, I hoped up, flipped Esther's legs behind her head and proceeded to eat that puss. Esther seemed to be a fan of this. (Mitchell hated Cunnilingus. I liked doing it, but she rarely let me go down on her. The last time we had what I thought was make up sex but turned out to be breakup sex, I went down on her for like 8 minutes and afterwards she said, "Yeah, still nothing.") After a very short amount of time, she asked if I wanted to have sex and I said something along the lines of "uh-huh, yeah sure, sounds good."

I put on that condom and we started boning. Pretty slowly. Despite being wetter than a kiss from my grandmother, she was very tight and I'm, um, long and thick I guess. Despite our inability to really "go at it" right away, I came very quickly.

"Wow, you must have really liked that!" she said I tossed the filled condom into the trashcan.

"Uhhh, yeah, sure, that was fun."

We talked for a few minutes, but then she started rubbing my cock again and, surprisingly, it got hard right away! So she slipped me back inside her and we went off to the races again. (This time, no condom. She slipped me inside her, I didn't want to make a whole thing of it!) It wasn't hurting her as much, so we started switching up the positions so I started going a little faster. She then tried to climb on top, but it was too much, so we went back to missionary. I lasted a little the longer the second time, which I think made both of us happy.

By this point, I was pooped and started to fall asleep, but Esther started asking me if I had ever had anal sex. I told her no. (Anal sex isn't my think. I turn off pornography when they do the anal stuff. It's too much.) She told me she hadn't either and didnt want to, but then started telling me about how much she enjoys pooping.

I said, "If you like pooping so much, you should probably have anal sex sometime."

"Not with you."

"No not with me."

"You are too big."

And I'm scared of anal sex but I didn't bring that up to her.

Mom, Dad, if you are still reading I'm gonna slit my throat I swear to god.

We continued to talk for a little longer, but I don't remember about what. I think my dislike of guns came up at some point and I started talking about Barack Obama singing Amazing Grace after Parkland, and then began singing Amazing Grace myself. I remember that Esther joked I wasn't at all saved because I wasn't a Christian.

Just as I started to dose off, Esther starting blowing me again so we fucked one more time. This time I fucked her from behind because I know girls like that. I had no idea what time it was we finished, but I do know that it was very very late and I was to tired to do anything at this point. I immediately passed out.

I woke up to Esther stroking my dick again. Once she saw I was "up", she went in for another blow job. We soon started fucking again and she said it wasn't hurting as much so she climbed on top of me. I basically had to push her off of me so I wouldn't cum inside her. (We already didn't wear a condom once. If she has an STD, I already got it. Might as well enjoy myself.) She then started rubbing my dick again. And, yes, I got hard again, and we fucked some more. Afterwards, she started telling me some jokes because I had mentioned I liked comedy, but I didn't really get most of them. The only one I remember was about how white men can't get women pregnant because they spill there seed to often. I told her a joke about a guy who fucked a chicken, which she quite liked. (I could tell she was a fan of scatological humor.)

As much fun as all this wild sex was, I still had stuff I wanted to do in Shanghai today so I told her I should start getting ready. Esther asked if I could take her out to KFC before I went to explore Shanghai. How could I say no?

In the morning light, I realized Esther may have been as attractive as her profile picture. She told me all about how she was getting paid 2,000 RMB a month (less than $300) to teach English part time at the school and how she lived with the principal and was forced to play with the principal's children when she got home from work. She asked me to ask around at my school in Gaochun to see if I could find a job for her there. The whole time, I had a splitting headache. I felt very dehydrated and was desperate for some water. She also asked if that was the most sex I had ever had in one night. I said no and she said it was for her. She also told me about how she used to not let her boyfriend see her naked, even when they had sex but now she's less embarrassed about that stuff. It reminded me of when I was 18 and would put my underwear on immediately after completion. Now I love to lounge around naked, who cares.

KFC didn't serve any water whatsoever so I got an orange juice, a chicken roller, and a duck roller. Esther ordered a Chinese Chicken dinner bowl and an ice cream, and then had me order an ice cream too so she didn't have to eat ice cream alone. The ice creams were served to us before the rest of our meal. When I got my rollers, Esther told me she didn't like tortillas because they "seemed like something a Muslim would eat." We exchanged numbers and she WeChatted me a little money to help cover the chicken. And then we walked to the subway, got on our separate trains.

I felt like I wasn't as enthusiastic at KFC as Esther wanted me to be. I did have a splitting hangover, but I also really didn't want KFC for breakfast and wanted to keep exploring Shanghai. I had fun that night, but it wasn't love, so I felt guilty. Or I just was hungover, it's hard to tell. Before I got on the subway, I bought a large water bottle from the vending machine and chugged the whole thing before entering the train.

Okay, end of sexcapades. Mom and Dad, you can't start reading again (Although if you see this message, it means you read the whole thing and that's disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourselves.