I was still on Cloud 9 from my little excursion with Peter and wanted to keep rocking that feeling so, after running up stairs to take a shit and collect myself (My first shit in China!) I decided to walk to the mall next to the China Mobile Josie and I had gone to the other night. I had memorized the way while we were driving back, so I just retraced my steps and off I went.
On the way over, I saw what looked like a little snack shop so I stopped inside to grab a little something to eat. As soon as I entered, the owner came up to me and handed me a small bag of green peas, which I thought was very sweet. It turned out the store was a Taiwanese import snack shop, so there were all sorts of overpriced dried fruits. I decided to just get a can of peach juice and I would munch on the peas until I found a place for dinner. The peas tasted a lot like wasabi peas, but they were less spicy. I liked them quite a bit. The peach juice was very sweet, but I also really enjoyed it.
As I continued my walk, I spotted a different mall then the one I was planning on going to. As I was walking in, I heard someone shout my name. I turned around, very confused because no one here should know who I was, and saw Peter. He was holding hand with a girl! Peter had a girlfriend he had never told me about. I was shocked and excited for him.
"Hi Peter" I tried to yell back. But it was too late. Peter and his girlfriend had already entered the mall.
I waited in front of the mall for a few minutes, so I wouldn't seem like I was spying on Peter, and then entered myself. The mall was almost entirely clothing stores and restaurants all seemingly very over priced. It reminded me a lot of malls in America. I decided to make the rounds on each floor, hoping I could maybe find a pair of shorts (I only own pants) or some headphones for my iphone (I forgot to pack any.) Sadly, it seems like the only headphones in china that plug into an iphone are iphone headphones and those cost 230 yuan. While I was walking around I kept gesturing shorts to the sales keepers, but it seemed the only shorts in the mall were jean shorts and basketball shorts, neither of which I wanted. I did, however, find a purple backpack I really liked for only 80 yuan so I quickly bought it. An impulse buy! I was living the good life.
I found another liquor store which I decided to stop in because I really needed a real razor. The disposable electric razor I had bought was very complicated and didn't really work at all. It took almost 18 hours to charge, had a very complicated cleaning and upkeep system. So I bought a razor and some shaving cream but also browsed some lays. I don't think I have made my lays list yet, (I hope I haven't) but the flavors included cucumber, Italian read meat, spicy crawfish, roasted chicken breast, black pepper Rib Eye Steak, wasabi, Mexican tomato chicken, Yogurt, Shish Kabob, Seaweed, Grilled Squid, and, of course, Numb & Spicy Hot Pot.
I left the mall and continued my walk to the other mall, which I had heard had a movie theater. I felt like I was getting pretty close when I noticed a little park and decided to detour through it. It was absolutely beautiful. Filled with beautiful lotus plants and ornate Chinese architecture, it looked like how I had imagined China before I came.
I made sure to walk on as many bridges and through as many whatever the things above are cooled to get the real authentic experience. I wish I knew more words than giddy and elated, but I think those described my mood pretty well.
As I walked through, I noticed to my left old Gaochun Street. These places were next to each other? Man this town was small. All of a sudden, I felt a rumbling in my stomach. Oh no.
When my father used to walk our dog, Rupert, he had a theory about his shits. He would call Rupert's first shit "the plug." This was the shit that held all of the rest of Rupert's shit in while he was stuck in the house. But once Rupert had dropped the plug on the walk, usually a pretty normal hard shit, all bets were off. For the rest of the walk, Rupert would have "the dregs," runny, disgusting, hot shits that were horrible to pick up with a bag.
In the hotel room, I had dropped the plug. And now, I was about to experience the dregs.
I remember noticing a public restroom in Old Gaochun Street, so I quickly walked (running was to dangerous) over. I rushed into the bathroom, immediately pulled down my pants, and began to excrete. I tried to close the door behind me, but the door was broken. No matter, I had already started and could tell I was almost done. It was mostly water anyway. I was through the worst of it. Then I reached over for the toilet paper.
Oh fuck.
This was not the sort of shit you could pull up your pants and walk around afterwards. These were the dregs. My asshole like it had been slathered in the hot clay they put all over you in fancy spas. If I pulled up right away, I would have destroyed a pair of underwear I quite liked. So I did the only logical thing I could think of. I used my left hand.
One hand swipe was not nearly enough though. My butt was damp, I had to continually wipe, multiple times, inserting my fingers slightly into my anus to make sure I could dry off everything. But one hand was not enough. At a certain point, I was putting as much shit back on my bottom as I was wiping off. So I had to start using my right hand as well.
After finally being satisfied with my handy work, (no pun intended) I pulled my pants up using my right pinky finger (my only clean finger left.) I then pulled up my zipper quickly, as if less poo particles would be transported if I used tremendous speed, put my purple backpack on using only my elbows, and ran to the sink.
There was barely any soap left in the dispenser so I used the rest of it. I scrubbed and I scrubbed, smelling my hands in between scrubs to make sure it was working. I must have washed my hands for ten minutes before the soap dispenser was fully out of commission. I can't say I was fully satisfied with my hand washing, but I didn't have much of a choice. I left the bathroom and continues to explore Old Gaochun street.
I found the street even more beautiful at night. Many of the shops were putting their planks of wood up to close for the night; children and their parents were eating noodle soups on their stoops. It felt like I had transported to another time period. A few of the shops were still open and I wanted to buy something that I could put on my desk to inspire me while I blogged.
I almost bought an ancient Chinese coin, but ultimately decided that wasn't right. I walked into another shop that had a clay Mario sculpture I thought was pretty funny. That store also had a watch that had a picture of the Statue of Liberty and the quote, "The Eiffel Tower is for Love." I might have bought that if it had fit me. Just as I had given up, I saw a metal turtle that seemed perfect. The man said it was 150 yuan but I talked him down to 100 and bought it. And that turtle sits next to me as I write this now.
I was very stupidly satisfied with my purchase. It felt like I had found exactly what I was looking for. I'm maybe the only person whose ever thought this about a metal turtle, but it really felt special. I sort of want to go back and get a second one so I can make my desk symmetrical.
On this trip to Old Gaochun, I didn't have to worry about bothering Peter so I did more wandering down random back streets and alleys. I found them strangely enticing, I imagined being a young boy, stealing some bread and running through these streets. It seemed like the start of an epic romantic adventure.
As I was leaving, I noticed there was a large carousel with 2019 posted above it. The sign was correct, it was 2019. This year was turning out to be a better one than I thought it could be. I walked back to the mall, completely forgetting that my hands still smelled like shit.
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