A Curmudgeon's Epiphany

I woke up again in the middle of the night to pee with an erection. When I opened the door to my bathroom, I scratched the bottom of the door on my foot and it started bleeding pretty badly. Maybe it was the sudden pain that made me think better, but this time I sat down to pee (Oh right, that's how you pee with an erection.) I couldn't help but wonder how people would pee in the middle of the night with an erection if they had one of those hole in the floor toilets. Even if you squatted, it would be hard not to pee on your legs because you couldn't push your wee wee down underneath the toilet seat cover and it would be impossible to aim while standing, you would be so far away. This is relatable, right?

I slept in the next morning. I think I had a good 12 hours of sleep. This is proof that I'm either very sick, very depressed or a combination of the two. My pants were still incredibly wet, so I spent about 15 minutes trying to dry them with a hair dryer. Finally, the hair dryer turned off and refused to turn back on. My pants were still a little wet, but not nearly as bad.

I went and grabbed my phone, which was already almost dead. It seems the cord that connects the charger to the phone has stopped working. So I guess I have to work the apple store into whatever my plans for the day are.

I put on my Disneyland poncho and leave my hotel room just as the cleaning lady enters my room. She says something to me in Chinese, but I have no idea what she is trying to convey. I take the elevator downstairs (I have already missed my gross free Continental breakfast). It's bright, sunny and hot. I shove my poncho in my backpack and keep walking.

I walk inside a cute little local coffee shop and order myself a steaming cup of joe. The coffee is very over priced, but the store is cute and trendy enough to make up for it. They are playing "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones. I love this song and mention it to the hostess, who seems to not even notice music is playing. When Mitchell went to the big Sesame Street Gala Anniversary thingamabober and got her picture taken with Elmo, I sent her that really cute Norah Jones "Don't Know Y" song. She loved it. I loved it. That was before she started getting annoyed by everything I did. Why does every song make me think of her now? I loved this song before I knew her, this song has made me think about other women, but now it's a song about her. Although, I think Mitchell knows why she didn't come. She never really liked me and wasn't a fan of cunnilingus. She may have already forgot who I am.

The subway is packed today. I continue to play on tantan, my Chinese dating app while I wait. I get a few matches and start messaging a few girls, but it seems like nothing will probably come of any of it.

I get off at people's park. The park is filled with what I assume are homeless people, but they all seem fairly well put together. They sit in long rows under umbrellas, holding giant signs that look like letters in Chinese. I think the people are displaying their life stories which explain how they ended up homeless, but I have no way of finding out if this is correct or not other than doing some research online (which I refuse to do.) I walk through the park and seem more little pagodas and little rock bonsai, but nothing cool enough to get me to take a picture. I aslo walk past the Museum of Contemporary Art Shanghai, but it costs 80 yuan and they wont let me take my coffee inside so I keep walking. I walk past a little kids theme park, some more little stands and finally, I am there. The Shanghai Museum. Tickets are only 30 yuan which seems very affordable. They won't let me bring my coffee in here either, so I quickly chug the rest and walk inside.

Shanghai in Gold (Paint, Made of Wood)

This is not the Shanghai Museum. It seems I have entered the Museum of the City of Shanghai, a museum with a very similar name only a block away. This similarity can't be an accident. This Museum is about the future planning for the city of Shanghai and this gold little structure was the only exhibit on the first floor. The second floor had an aerial view of this little gold structure as well as a few walls with some photos of guys who helped build the city of Shanghai.

The third floor was an exhibit about Soong Li, a woman who was very influential when the People's Republic of China was first formed. She started a magazine called China Now (or something similar) which was the first Chinese magazine to be distributed outside of China. She was at the fore front of creating an image of China that was created by China itself. They had a bunch of her brooches and old magazines lying around. I'm sure she is kind of a cool lady, but she maybe tainted in my mind by supporting the People's Republic of China. At this point, its just another boring exhibit in another stupid exhibit that's mostly in Chinese.

The fourth floor had a bunch of art about Shanghai done by children. It was honestly, pretty good. Better then those calligraphy exhibits (fuck calligraphy.) There was also a giant to scale model of what Shanghai will look like in 2022 when they finish construction that, I have to admit, was pretty awesome.

The fifth floor was an aerial view of the too scale model and also had a bunch of information about how Shanghai is going to recycle and improve their transportation system. There was a room called "Virtual World" which was basically just a 360 screen that was a cheap cgi movie of walking down the Bund. The Chinese really love a cheap CGI exhibit.

I left and tried to find the real Shanghai Museum. It was across the street from where I was, but there was no crosswalk so I had to head back down into the subway area and walk through this giant underground mall to find food. There was a food court and I was pretty hungry, so I walked around and tried to find something to eat. None of the restaurants had any pictures though, so i sadly gave up after 15 minutes and headed back up to the Shanghai museum, still starving.

Topiary in front of the real Shanghai Museum

When I finally get to the Shanghai Museum, there is a line that seems endless. It loops back and forth over and over again. It looks like it might take hours just to get in. So I turn around and walk away.

I go to a mall across the street and head to the fourth floor food court. I go to some noodle restaurant and order the spicy noodle dish that is recommended. It's not until after I order that I realize it's actually the noodle dish to the right of the star, not the left of the star that is recommend (I was supposed to get the mushroom hoof soup.) What I ended up ordering basically had no flavor. I got the plain noodle soup. As I sat there, slurping up my boring meal, it occurred to me that maybe I'm not the happy go lucky person I pretend to be. I've been acting like I love travel, that I'm easy going, that I'm a chill guy who likes to go with the flow. I think I've been lying to myself. I think maybe I'm a curmudgeon. I fucking hate malls. I hate china. I hate this plain noodle soup. Fuck it, I'll say it, I kind of hate museums. I go because they are recommended and I think it's a thing I'm supposed to do, but I usually only like a few things each time I go. The rest of it is unimpressive (especially calligraphy.) My favorite part of a museum so far on this trip has been a bar. I maybe hate nature. I like nature a little bit, but its way better if you are looking at it with someone. I don't like being alone in nature, its lonely. I don't really like a lot of things. And maybe that's okay.

I walk around the mall in a very contemplative mood. I think I've maybe struck on something that I think is brilliant but other people will probably say is very unhealthy (I talked to my friend Charlie on Instagram about my epiphany and I think he hated it.) I'm an angry, sad, miserable little sad sack and I can be honest about that. I should stop trying to be happy. Just accept that life is shit and then try to enjoy that shit. But don't expect shinola. Shits only depressing if you expect shinola. Expect shit.

I wander into a Speedo store and drop 350 RMB on some very tight swimwear that's probably gonna be much to tight for me (I still haven't tried it on.) I don't know why I did this. I guess it still hadn't occurred to me that I'm not going to Bali anymore so I didn't need a swimsuit anymore. I had just been looking for a swim suit for so long, when I finally found one I was worried I would never find another one again. But I'm also not going swimming anytime soon. I'm only human I guess.

I decided I wanted to watch a movie. I felt like that was something I enjoyed at home. It seemed like an easy thing to do. I walked to the movie theater in the mall. I asked if they had any movies in English. They did not. So I didn't watch a movie. Spending 80 RMB to see a movie in Chinese seemed stupid.

As I walked back towards the train station I decided to stop at the Shanghai MOCA. I know I just said I hate museums, I was maybe exaggerating. And I actually sometimes kind of like modern art. Sometimes. If it's good. It didn't have any line, I didn't want to wait in line today. I don't have to explain myself to you.

Despite costing 80 RMB, the Shanghai MOCA was very small. They currently had a temporary exhibit called "Do You Copy" that took up the entire museum. There were a total of 26 pieces in the exhibit, and the theme was outer space (I love outer space.)

Exobiotanca #2 was a video and photographs of a bouquet of flowers that was sent into outer space in a hot air balloon. I don't know why I found this piece so instantly moving, but I did. Something about humans sending another form of life that's normally immobile into outer space is cool. Making a bouquet of flowers an alien just for a little while. Also, at a certain height, the balloons start popping and the bouquet hurtles back to earth. Flowers fly away as the bouquet descends, adding chaos and disarray to a man made version of pretty flowers. It worked for me. This is an example of modern art I like.

The Motion of the Fibonacci Series looked like a a bunch of weird shapes dancing around each other. I assume it was all designed around the Fibonacci Series. It was cool to see, but not necessarily the sort of thing you look at for an extended period of time.

Solar System-Icy Moon and Time Delay Universe were both models built with tiny figurines. They looked like Leonardo Da Vinci action figures put in front of the solar system. Driftwood2 -Epidermis was a painting of a tree trunk floating through space, but the tree had been cut in half and had veins and lungs and a heart. All of this was semi interesting, but I wouldn't put up in my house.

The Most Astounding Fact was a video of the inside of a clock while that song from that Neil Degrasse Tyson video played. It was out of sync and the video kept stopping. I found this to be very shitty.

Aircraft Series was a bunch of sad black and white photos of old airplanes.

Axel had three exhibits: The Forest (CGI photos of astronauts going through and old lab as spores multiply,) Kobayashi Kiyomi Video Series (Sexy CGI Robot Geisha's who danced,) and the Everyday Series (CGI photo travel ads for made up planets). I thought this stuff was kind of cool, especially the Everyday Series.

Trip to the Moon was what looked like a satellite but was just empty trashcans and pipe cleaners. MOON THAT GROUND was a paper-mache giant moon. Prime Pillars were pillars that looked like little Michelangelo statues. Do You Copy was just paintings of outer space on trash can lids. The Monument series was paintings of Michelangelo-esque statues in front of a sunset. I think they may have front loaded the exhibition but I still head up stairs to see what else they got. It's diminishing returns, but I'm not mad I came. I do like space.

Yuri Gagarin Sculpture is actually a painting of a sculpture that looks like a propaganda image from the future.

The Different Angles is a photo series that shows parking lots and subway exits for famous IT companies. I think the exhibit was supposed to be cool and inspiring, but I found it depressing. The quote was like "see the entrances that inspire the great minds of the the present" but all I could think was "Man, parking lots and subways always look depressing."

PAOM PAOM THAT FUTURE AND PAST seemed to be an old Chinese documentary about the "future" fashion of the sixties. The Pierre Cardin Collection, German Space Fashion Show, Women in Glory, RICOSTRU'S Starry Sky and Mashama 2017&2019 were all dresses. They were cute, but I don't think any of them would have fit me.

Five Light Years was a big screen that was just stars rushing past you. It was slightly curved, so if you stood close enough, you could only the stars on the screen. I stood pretty close for quite some time. The air quality is very bad in China. Even though I live an hour and a half from the closet city, I have not seen a single star since I got here. I remember as a kid going camping in Big Sur and riding my bike out to the baseball field and lying on my back and looking up at the stars. I loved that. I fell in love with my high school girlfriend in Big Sur. I jumped off a rope swing into a lake, but the rope caught around my ankle and I was caught dangling head first in the water. I had to pull myself up and untie my leg and then I feel back first into the water. Everyone found this very funny, but one girl (after finishing laughing) felt bad for me when she saw me limping and helped me walk back to the campground. I think I fell in love with her than and there. (Never fall in love with someone for being nice, it's a bad reason to fall in love. We dated for two years, but it got bad at the end there. We don't really talk anymore.) Anyway, I miss stars.

Mind and Cosmos was a bunch of fish bowls hanging from the ceiling. Inside each fishbowl was a little speaker, so when you put your head inside you could here a different song inside. Most of the songs were traditional Chinese music, but I put my head in one fish bowl and found an incredibly beautiful song that I did end up looking up. (It took me a long time to find.) The song is called "Keep Rolling" by Paolo Nutini. It's quite a short song, but it's beautiful.

The last exhibit was called AI and You - Poem to the Future. It involved talking to the artist who was there, and I don't speak Chinese, so I ran away without really looking at it.

I am looking at a map of the exhibit as I write this passage, and I see now there is a staircase to a 3rd floor. This is probably where the rest of the museum was. I didn't see that at the time though, so I left after running away from the Poem to the Future. Fuck, am I gonna have to go back now? How did I miss that there was a whole other part of the museum. I kind of liked this place. God Dammit, I suck.

Before I got back on the subway, I loaded more money onto my metro card because it was almost empty. After I got on my subway, I looked at my phone and saw that my payment had been instantly refunded. I must have done something wrong on the machine because I don't speak Chinese. When I got off the subway, I tried again to add money to my metro card. When I checked my phone later, I saw I had been refunded again.

I went to the Apple store to see if I could get a new cord to charge my phone (it was about to die again) and some headphones. The Apple store in Shanghai was very confusing. I ended up waiting at the Genius bar for a while before realizing I was in the wrong section. I went upstairs and found some headphones and a charging cord and started wondering around looking for the cashier counter. Next thing I knew, I was outside the apple store and out in the mall. I just had accidentally shoplifted in China. But when life gives you lemonade, you drink it. So I kept on walking, right out the mall and back onto the main street.

Having just saved 450 RMB on apple gear (I should have grabbed the blue tooth headphones,) I decided to head to H&M to buy some rain wear. My shoes and pants were still a little damp from the day before and I it definitely could rain again at any time. I head into the H&M and find some pretty nice, cool looking pants but none of them are waterproof. I don't find any waterproof shoes either, but I do find a mustard colored raincoat that I instantly fall in love with. I go into the changing room to try on the cool cheap pants, but sadly, they are all Asian fit (that's really what the style was called, I'm not being racist.) This means you could see the outline of my entire penis. In my younger years I may not have been embarrassed, but as I get older I more insecure about my bulge (although I think my Speedo doesn't leave much to the imagination.) So I ended up just buying the mustard colored jacket and heading out to find another rain gear store.

As I walk outside, it starts to lightly rain so I pop on my new mustard jacket. I pull out my headphones and start listening to Funkadelic's "One Nation Under a Groove." This is a great fucking album. Next thing I know, I am dancing in the street as I walk. I'm dancing by myself to Funkadelic in a mustard jacket in the rain in Shanghai. People are staring at me but I could give a rat's ass. I'm suddenly actually having fun. Funk music. Dancing. Those are both things I like. As I walk/dance, I find a fake purple flower and I pop it in the hole in my backpack arm strap. It goes perfectly with my mustard jacket. I get to the Bund, which is packed, and continue to dance around. People smile as they see me. I'm spreading happiness just by being myself. I feel pretty fucking cool. This may be a sign I have truly lost my mind, but it feels too groovy for me to care. I'm getting the funk, the whole funk and nothing but the funk. I never find the rainwear store, but I don't really care.

Mustard Jacket with Purple Flowers

I watch someone else reload their metro card and do exactly what they did. It finally works this time. On the train, I see an ad for a bicycle that you pedal with both your hands and feet at the same time. I don't know who these people are whose legs get so tired bicycling that they have to get their hands involved, but I'm sure some one is buying these things if they are advertised on the subway.

I get off at Maglev station. The Maglev is the worlds fastest train (that is open to the public.) It gets up to some insane speed that's like 421 km/hr or something like that. When I get on the train, I sit next to an Australian family that is with a Chinese tour guide with an incredibly high pitched voice. He tells the Australians how this is the worlds fast train (that is open to the public) and explains how the train is powered by magnetic so the train actually levitates a few centimeters above the track as it moves. It's sort of interesting, but also neither I nor the Australian really have any idea what he is talking about. The tour guide keeps breaking into an incredibly high pitched giggle which was fairly annoying. He began to giggle very hard when he told us about someone who had committed suicide in front of the Maglev.

"Their whole body disappeared," he giggled. "There was blood all over the train, but his body and his skeleton. His skull. All vanished. Disintegrated into thin air."

He sounded like a James Bond evil henchman. The train went very fast, but it didn't really feel like a roller coaster or anything. It still mostly felt like going on a train. Towards the end of the ride, the tour guide kept telling us to look out the window.

"This is the best part. It's going to happen in about ten seconds," he giggled.

A maglev headed in the other direction roars past us. The Australians and I all scream and jump out of our seat as the tour guide giggles away.

"How did you know when that would happen?" one of the Australians asks.

"Oh it always happens at the same time," the tour guide giggled back.

The Australians had rode the train to get on a plane at the Shanghai airport. I had just wanted to go on the train. So I get out, try to buy an ice cream but decide against it because it is too expensive (35 RMB for a little cup!), and hop back on the train back. The second trip is even less impressive.

As I get back on the metro, I begin to play with my TanTan dating app again. I match with one girl, Melody, and we seem to be hitting it off. I get off the train and start to head towards the Shanghai Tower to attempt going again and then I see it, shinning like a beacon of light. It's so beautiful I almost start crying. I can't belief it's here. It's all I have wanted and it's here.

Taco Bell.

I have found a Taco Bell.

The amount of times I have wandered the streets of Gaochun looking for a restaurant with picture on the menu that didn't sell fried chicken and cried to myself, "Taco Bell." I just want Taco Bell.

I had plans to try some really fancy dumplings for dinner, but I found something so much better.

I found Taco Bell.

I forgot my rule about not getting excited. I walked inside and instantly saw this was not a regular taco bell. There were no beans on the menu.

NO BEANS!

What's a taco bell with no beans? I wanted beans. I wanted three bean burritos and a bunch of fire sauce. But there were no beans.

So I ordered a regular crunchy taco, a kimchee steak taco, an order of nachos and a strawberry daiquiri. This ends up being one of the most expensive meals I have had on this trip so far. I wait for almost thirty minutes for my food, and there is no reception in the restaurant so I can't keep texting Melody (or my other matches but I've already set my sights on melody.)

I walk over to the sauce bar and there is no fire sauce. There is no hot sauce. There is just cheese sauce and creamy sriracha.

This isn't Taco Bell at all. I end up drowning all my food in creamy sriracha. It's not the same. The crunchy taco is alright, but I miss the fire sauce. The kimchee and steak taco is disgusting. I love kimchee but it does not mix well with taco bell nacho cheese sauce. The nachos are okay, but again, no fire sauce. And NO BEANS! I miss beans so much. I love beans. I love burritos. But mostly beans. I would very often just eat a pot of beans for lunch at home. Partially because I'm poor, but also because I love beans. The strawberry daiquiri was probably the best part, but it's so icy it takes me forever to drink.

I get in line for the Shanghai Tower but the people in front of me tell me it's going to take two hours. I text Melody about this and she tells me it's so bad because of the holiday. She tells me it will probably be shorter tomorrow. She tells me she is at the Bund, which is very near by. She sends me a pin of her location. I get out of line and start heading over.

Apple Maps tells me about a bus station to wait at, but as soon as I get there they cancel the buses for the rest of the evening. I try to rent a bike to ride over, but I guess the Nanjing bikes are different then the Shanghai bikes so I can't figure out how to register for one. So I just start walking. It would be really nice to hang out with a girl, especially one who speaks English. As I get to the Bund, they shut the entire street down. I message Melody about the traffic and she cancels our date. The stupid light show starts up again. It only know occurs to me that I am in one of the most touristy spots of China on their version of the Fourth of July.

It takes me hours to get off the Bund. The streets are packed and everything is closed down. I find a group of overweight Americans and begin to subtly follow them, hoping they will maybe lead me towards some sort of party. They soon hail a taxi and I have no idea where I am. I walk a few more blocks and find myself at People's Park, right where I started my morning. The umbrella homeless people are nowhere to be seen, so I guess maybe they have homes but are just poor? I'm not gonna do the research, but you can if you want.

I get off by my hotel and head back. I decide to stop in at the Stone Brewery and grab another beer. It's only 9:30 and I'm on vacation. I'm not ready for bed yet, I want to play. But I have nothing else to do, so I sit, drink beer and play on my phone.